Figuring out life: as a husband

WEB TEAM Brent Chapman, Ephesians, Message, Message-audio

Notetaker's note
Brent did an amazing job articulating some of these topics, which are often hot button issues. Our notetakers do the best they can to capture the message in written format. To hear the full message and understand all the comments made in the message, please listen to the audio.


Brent starts by reminding the audience about the previous passage that covered the topic of a wife’s submission to her husband and how she should respect her husband. Today Brent covers the flip side of this: how a man should respect and treat his wife (and women in general).

The concept of calling the Bible “God’s Word”

If we approach biblical study with the understanding that this is God’s word, then when we come across a section that we don’t like we must study it instead of ignoring or rejecting it. This will be Brent’s approach for this section of scripture — due to its controversial nature.

Submission is required for all Jesus follower

Everyone is required to submit to God. If we want to follow Jesus we must submit to his authority over us. We are called to submit to him every day.

Garage sale-ing with Pam, Brent’s wife

Brent told a funny personal story to keep the mood light. He went garage sale-ing with his wife and he discovered a set of mugs while rummaging through a box of old items. One mug said “The Boss” and then another mug said “The real boss.” The point: there cannot be two leaders. God has created marriage (union of man and woman) and has created each gender equal. But within this union there has to be a spiritual leader. In this passage, God is calling men to be in a leadership position of spirit matters in the marriage.

The Leadership Triangle

  1. Authority
  2. Accountability – we are accountable to Jesus
  3. Responsibility – we are not called to “rule” over the home, but instead we are called to be responsible for the whole house.

God is not calling men to rule over a woman

God is calling a husband to be responsible for loving his wife, not ruling over her. Also note, while Paul’s metaphor compares the marriage relationship to Jesus’ relationship to the church, God is not calling a man to “save” his wife. Only Jesus can save someone.

To lead well is to love well

The example Jesus sets for husbands is his own death on the cross (the ultimate sacrifice). A husband is called to love his wife to the point of death! A husband must be completely committed to his wife and to be completely selfless and self-giving. (Note, Paul is giving men the exact same charge as he gave to the women but used different wording and examples).

Tension comes in a marriage when decisions occur

Since there will always be conflicting perspectives between two people (even in a marriage) there will always be an element of conflict in a marriage. So what should we a husband do when he can’t agree with his wife on a spiritual matter?

How to approach difficult decisions as husband and wife:

  1. Seek God’s authority over your life and marriage.
  2. Talk to your spouse
  3. And if a resolution cannot be achieved: wait. Turn to God. Talk more. And in a stalemate: the husband will need to make the ultimate decision. (Yet this should be as a last resort as it will lead to a breakdown in trust. Note to the reader: Brent did a way better job in articulating this in his message. Please listen to the audio to get a better understanding of how Brent spoke about this third point.)

Why did God ask the husband to be the spiritual head and not the woman?

Brent admits there is no logical answer for this question. Brent points out that this question is as complex as some of the other tough questions out there. Why did the father send his only son to die? Was there another way?

Sometimes we can’t understand the designs God has put in place!

The job of the husband

  1. As a husband, a man is called to love his wife like Jesus loves the church. The husband must raise her up (emotionally, words of encouragement, kindness…etc). He must lift her up (self esteem, emotionally, being proud of her, wanting the best for her…Etc).
  2. As a husband, a man is called to love his wife by providing and protecting her. There should never be any form of abuse. A husband must treat her the way he treats his own body. Only a fool would mistreat his own body.

It takes two!

Brent jokes with the audience that no one wants an average marriage. Everyone wants a marriage that is “out of sight!” Brent then quotes from a famous 1990s duo, one a poet and one a philosopher, named Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock, “It takes two to make a thing go right.” (This is a joke. They are two rappers who wrote a song in the 90s.) Brent even sang a few lines from the song. It was pretty great! Brent then goes on to discuss how hard it is to keep a marriage “out of sight” (meaning: a successful marriage.)

Success as a husband

Love your wife the way God has called you to:

  1. Be loving through conflict
  2. Listen to your wife (even during conflict and don’t be defensive.)
  3. Continue to be pursue your wife (as if you were courting her. Continue to make her a priority in your life)
  4. Reassure her that she is loved by you.

About this Message Series

This is a message in a series called Ephesians. The goal of this series is to discuss the topics and themes that arise from the New Testament book Ephesians. The book of Ephesians is a letter that Paul wrote while in prison. Sometimes it is called a Prison Epistle. It was written to encourage believers. He was encouraging other faithful followers of Jesus to serve in unity and love in the midst of persecution. This series was started in January 2016.

About the Speaker

Brent is the lead pastor here at SouthRidge. He and his wife Pam were part of the original church plant.